being rinnah

Just when I thought I could get no lower and surely things must be looking up…

I got an email yesterday night from another good girlfriend who is now living in US. She just found out that she is expecting her second child.

Oh and my other girlfriend (who is in the same group) delivered a healthy baby girl on Thursday morning.

And yeah, I attended another girlfriend’s full moon celebration for her baby boy last Saturday.

Need more? I got a wedding invitation card from old friends I’ve kind of fallen out of touch with on Monday.

My mother was talking about my cousin’s imminent wedding in the first week of May, the whole of this week. Including talking about the dowry and all.

I have 3 weddings to attend in the month of May itself.

And later this year, friends and colleagues are expecting babies. Another 3 new people being added to the world.

Want some more? I keep on hearing and seeing colleagues do special things for and with their significant others. Birthday celebrations, dates, buying new homes.

Yup, it seems that the whole world is busy falling in love, getting married and making babies.

Everyone except me.

So what else is new?

Nothing, I’m guessing.

I am alone, as always.

Bah.

Even before I knew it, I had fallen too deep. Too far. Too much. Too soon.

Sometimes I wish that I didn’t have this ability. It frightens me - to be able to form a connection with someone. A connection that seems almost tied to one’s soul.

How else can it be that occasionally I think I can feel your feelings, your emotions. To know exactly how you feel inside. To catch a glimpse of your mind.

It’s always been one-way traffic. But lately it seems that there might be more than a one-way connection.

I hope that its just my misguided fancy talking.

Do you know me? Do you know how I feel? Do you know what’s troubling me?

How I wish… for that which I dare not express in words, but only in my mind. My heart. My soul.

Wrong times, wrong places, wrong people. Or was it me who was not right for the world?

Completeness. I know now what they say when two minds meet along the same wavelength. So rare, and yet… so familiar that it feels like forever.

I sometimes daydream along flights of fancy. Like a court jester who lost his way and wanders in the clouds.

I pride myself to be strong, yet I am afraid. Envy picks away at the bones, the marrow. I do not want to face up to that day. I am ashamed. Of me. But I cannot excuse myself.

Tears prick my eyes. It seems to be a frequent occurence. A recurring theme of my life. Sorrow.

I want what I don’t have. And in wanting what I don’t have, I want that which I cannot have. Is this ironic or what?

I dread Saturday. I dread having to be happy. I AM happy for my good friend, just that I can’t BE happy right now. How convoluted is that?

Don’t want to be around to see others rejoicing in that which I desperately want.

Oh God. I just started crying again.

It seems to me that my prayers go unheeded, unanswered. Why are You doing this to me?

I despair of ever being heard.

So is this all that life’s meant to be? Is there nothing more?

Life has no meaning. There is no color. No sound. Nothing but the silence that wraps itself around my head and my heart.

I hate the sight of many things. It hurts. It hurts. More than you’ll ever know.

Of late I feel pain. Pain of emptiness. Unfulfilled. Barren, even.

I can’t stop myself.

Forget me not. Don’t pass me by. Stop! I beg you. In vain I cry.

I envy others. Would that I be as happy as they are too. But such is not mine to have, I think.

I soldier on alone.

I am so confused right now. I pride myself on always knowing what to do, but in this very moment, I am lost. Nothing is stable in my life right now and I feel like I’ve been cut adrift, left floating in a turbulent sea of uncertainty. What to do, what to do. I tell myself not to worry, not to analyze too much, but I find myself doing it subconsciously.

How to move forward from here? The one thing that was constant in my life at that point in time has just suddenly been removed and I find myself falling. Grasping at straws, trying to figure out what best to do next. Sit and wait for what I cannot foresee?

I cannot even plan for tomorrow, let alone next week, next month or next year. Uncertainty… keeps me awake at night. My plans for my future are all upset now. And just when I thought I could focus on another part of my life now that this had finally settled, is uncertain once again. Circumstances beyond my control.

Maybe I am too much of a control freak. But I think that being in control allows me more peace of mind which makes for a happier me. Why this? Why now?

Reminder to self : I will not speak about anything in my life, that is about me, to you again. Because you just don’t understand. Because you always make it seem to be my fault. Because you cannot help me and you will not listen to me. Better to save myself the heartache and not say a thing to you.

It scared me last Wednesday when one of my colleagues commented that I was behaving like another colleague of ours. Oh gosh. I don’t know whether to call it a talent or a fault that I can imitate most people around me (if I’ve known you long enough) to a T. It’s kind of like an acting ability? I don’t know. Anyway, what scared me was that I was not consciously exerting myself to imitate my colleague. Which means… I am so easily influenced that I have no character of my own! Argh. That’s just plain downright scary to me because I’ve always prided myself on the fact that I am a unique being. How can I be unique and different when all I am is just an imitation (albeit a very good one) of another? It worries me to the core.

The past weeks have not been kind to me in the emotional department. It’s like riding roller-coaster. Up. Down. Up again. Down again. The feeling of having your stomach pulled out of your mouth as you whoosh down a steep slope without knowing when the descent will end.

Probably it was that half state of melancholy than made me morose when the prawn dish came out at dinner late that night. Not that I can indulge in prawns, oh no! but of the fact that it brought back memories… memories of a childish me at a friend’s wedding dinner many years ago - the first wedding dinner I’d ever attended on my own - and of him, peeling prawns for me to eat just because. No other reason except that he wanted to. I was jerked away from my distant memories by someone asking me why I looked so “sien”. If only he knew what was going on in my head, he wouldn’t ask.

I hated Valentine’s Day this year. Hated it. I know hate is a strong word to use but truly, I did. I hated the sight of the beautifully wrapped flowers that mocked me. I hated the sight of couples in love because it just reminded me that I was alone.

And in the midst of my loneliness, it was as if circumstances conspired to taunt me. I was just minding my own business when I caught a whiff of cologne from a passerby. The same smell that I associate with you. Time stood still for an instant and I remained where I was, breathing in deeply that all too familiar scent. Then just like that, it was gone with the wind, and I was left to my thoughts again.

Another Valentine’s Day, alone.

I turned a year older on Wednesday. But am I a year wiser, I wonder?

There are still so many things in life I don’t know about. There are so many instances when I thought I could handle life but instead when the time came, I crumbled. I am stronger than I think I am, but there are many times when I am also weaker than I think I am. I suspect that this will be a constant refrain on my part till the day I leave this earth. Heh. After all, one can never know or learn it all. If one could, one would be God and that would be blasphemous. Double heh.

At tonight’s family gathering, I came to the subtle realization that I’ve matured in my thinking since this post here. I’ve since learned that one cannot change others, and can but merely accept things as they are. I guess I have come to accept that I will never be able to get my ideal family from here and it is senseless for me to hope that I could find it here. We’ll all be happier just the way we are now, right? Be that as it may, there are other issues with the family that I have yet to work through/out but now I have the feeling that I can and I will. It’s all just a matter of time.

Beyond that, I’ve also recently come to notice that when I’ve settled one part of my life, another part bubbles up and becomes such a major issue to me that I cannot focus on anything beyond it and try to focus all my energies on handling it. Isn’t that ironic? It’s a character trait that I’m working hard on overcoming, because I hate the thought and feeling of being so overwhelmingly focused on one thing to the extent that I might miss out on other things happening around me. Focus paralysis, I call it.

Anyway, the train of disturbing dreams continued today. I wonder if I will continue to keep on dreaming about all these guys in succession until my brain gets overtired and just stops. Let’s see who appears in my dreams tonight. I’m hoping it’s you, but judging from the past two days, it won’t be you. Haih.