being rinnah

Just when I thought I could get no lower and surely things must be looking up…

I got an email yesterday night from another good girlfriend who is now living in US. She just found out that she is expecting her second child.

Oh and my other girlfriend (who is in the same group) delivered a healthy baby girl on Thursday morning.

And yeah, I attended another girlfriend’s full moon celebration for her baby boy last Saturday.

Need more? I got a wedding invitation card from old friends I’ve kind of fallen out of touch with on Monday.

My mother was talking about my cousin’s imminent wedding in the first week of May, the whole of this week. Including talking about the dowry and all.

I have 3 weddings to attend in the month of May itself.

And later this year, friends and colleagues are expecting babies. Another 3 new people being added to the world.

Want some more? I keep on hearing and seeing colleagues do special things for and with their significant others. Birthday celebrations, dates, buying new homes.

Yup, it seems that the whole world is busy falling in love, getting married and making babies.

Everyone except me.

So what else is new?

Nothing, I’m guessing.

I am alone, as always.

Bah.

It scared me last Wednesday when one of my colleagues commented that I was behaving like another colleague of ours. Oh gosh. I don’t know whether to call it a talent or a fault that I can imitate most people around me (if I’ve known you long enough) to a T. It’s kind of like an acting ability? I don’t know. Anyway, what scared me was that I was not consciously exerting myself to imitate my colleague. Which means… I am so easily influenced that I have no character of my own! Argh. That’s just plain downright scary to me because I’ve always prided myself on the fact that I am a unique being. How can I be unique and different when all I am is just an imitation (albeit a very good one) of another? It worries me to the core.

The past weeks have not been kind to me in the emotional department. It’s like riding roller-coaster. Up. Down. Up again. Down again. The feeling of having your stomach pulled out of your mouth as you whoosh down a steep slope without knowing when the descent will end.

Probably it was that half state of melancholy than made me morose when the prawn dish came out at dinner late that night. Not that I can indulge in prawns, oh no! but of the fact that it brought back memories… memories of a childish me at a friend’s wedding dinner many years ago - the first wedding dinner I’d ever attended on my own - and of him, peeling prawns for me to eat just because. No other reason except that he wanted to. I was jerked away from my distant memories by someone asking me why I looked so “sien”. If only he knew what was going on in my head, he wouldn’t ask.

I hated Valentine’s Day this year. Hated it. I know hate is a strong word to use but truly, I did. I hated the sight of the beautifully wrapped flowers that mocked me. I hated the sight of couples in love because it just reminded me that I was alone.

And in the midst of my loneliness, it was as if circumstances conspired to taunt me. I was just minding my own business when I caught a whiff of cologne from a passerby. The same smell that I associate with you. Time stood still for an instant and I remained where I was, breathing in deeply that all too familiar scent. Then just like that, it was gone with the wind, and I was left to my thoughts again.

Another Valentine’s Day, alone.

I’m doing it again, I realize. Bah.

Why is it that I can’t help but compare everyone else around me with you? This has and always will be my biggest failing. I don’t give my heart away very freely, but when I do, I give it unreservedly. All of it. I will love you, flaws, warts and all, and still find you to be lovely in my sight. And because I love you, I will put you on a pedestal because to me, you are worthy of my love.

It’s horribly bad for me at this present stage of my life because i haven’t got anyone to call my own, to not have someone to love. But it will be a strength when I start my own family, because then I’ll love and love and love them till the day I die. I swear I mean it. I really do.

And likewise, because I’ve given away parts of my heart to the guys who came before, I will always love them and want the best for them no matter what happens, no matter where they are, no matter who they’re with. And by that same extension, this applies to the people they love. I just want them to be happy so damn bad.

How can my biggest failing yet be my greatest strength?

It boggles the mind, truly, it does.

It’s a new year and it should be a new beginning for me. So why am I stuck here in my memories of the past? What’s passed is the past and can nevermore be.

But yet, I think of you.
I think of your smile, your laugh.
I think of the times we spent together.
Happiness.

What’s worse, I wonder…

To miss someone who’s gone for good?
or
To miss someone who’s right in front of you but out of reach?

It would be infinitely worse to not have that one person ever again in your life, but it is infinitely harder to not have that one person who’s right in front of you. Or at least it just seems that way until that person leaves.

Dear Lord, won’t you send me someone to take all my sorrows away? Please?

I’ve learned the hard way that in life, if you stand up for anything that you strongly believe in, you will get shot down by others. Especially if the thing you espouse is not that which is considered as the “norm” among others. Why is it so wrong to do something right? I cannot believe that it is wrong to want to be righteous. I cannot grin and say that it doesn’t matter, it’s just a joke, just laugh it off. It does matter. It’s not a joke to be laughed about. If these people would put themselves in the shoes of the other party, would they still be laughing? No, I believe that they would be insulted. They would be angry and offended. But because it didn’t happen to them, they laugh about it.

This disgusts me deeply. Both the person who committed the act and those who condone or permit it to happen.

Had I known earlier, I would have done all in my power to stop it. But I was told too late, and I couldn’t make matters right. It frustrates me, even to this day, more than one week later, that I was helpless to do anything to stop this cruel farce from happening. I am revolted that someone could actually purpose to make trouble during an occasion that was meant to be a happy one.

That’s just one thing he did. Then there are his greedy, grasping ways. As if the whole world owes him a favor. Gimme gimme gimme, take take take. Never has this person willingly and voluntarily given back to the society around him. He is like a leech, only looking to see how much he can suck dry from others. Or else, he is looking to gain and profit at others’ expense. Whatever it is that he does not like, he does not want, he tries to push off onto others. I am repelled by the ugliness of his nature.

Harsh words? I don’t think so. In my opinion, I am just painting an accurate picture of this person’s character (of which he has none) and nature as I see it. But strangely enough, no one else is willing to call a spade a spade and see this person for what he really is. They laugh it off, they try to make excuses on his behalf. They talk as if I am blowing things out of proportion and that I am too stringent, that my standards are too high. No! Where has common human decency and kindness gone in this world? Call me self-righteous, if you must. But I despise that person for what he did and everything about it. This was not the first time, it is the last time. I swear it.

I will no longer speak to this person.
He no longer exists as far as I know.
I will not stoop to bad-mouthing him.
I will not acknowledge him or anything he does.
I disassociate myself completely from him.

So I went Christmas shopping yesterday. By myself.

The parentals were with friends, and I had no other “kakis” to hang out with, so I went shopping for Christmas pressies by myself. I should be used to it by now, I know. But it’s just not the same as shopping with someone you love!

Headed for my perennial favorite, 1 Utama, and managed to snag a parking space relatively quickly. Only 20 minutes of circling the parking lot. Heh. But my emotional troubles started the moment I stepped into the shopping mall.

All around me was a sea of humanity. Families with children, parents and grandparents. Couples with young children. Couples - newly married, dating. Friends all hanging out in a group be it large or small. It seemed as though everyone had someone and that I was the only one struggling alone in this wide, vast sea of humanity that surged and ebbed all around me. My breath grew shorter, my heart beat faster. A horrible sense of melancholy and detachment swept over me like ice and the loneliness welled up inside, so acute that I felt a pain in my chest. Unbidden tears sprang to my eyes and I just stood still for a brief moment before I forced myself to walk on - woodenly, with effort.

Still all around me the crowd milled, each with their own agenda, a goal. I walked aimlessly, round and round in circles, seeing without really seeing - moving without conscious thought of what I was doing. In the back of my mind, the insidious thought taunted, “If only… you were with him. How happy you’d be. Isn’t this supposed to be the season of joy, love and giving? But no, you’re all alone. Because no one wants you enough to be with you.”

Self truth or lie? I don’t know. I really can’t tell at this point of time.

All I know is that this holiday season is going to be as hard as last year’s, even if it is for different reasons.

The only small solace I could take from the shopping expedition was the joy of buying presents for loved ones. And the hardest task of all? Not being able to get anything for him. Because I don’t want to put my heart out there for another rejection. Because I’m afraid of letting myself hope any false hope. Because I didn’t want to torment myself further with things that can never be.

And I’m tired of telling myself that. Tired of having to constantly clamp down on the emotions and feelings that I cannot show. Tired of putting on a brave front to the world when all I want to do is run away, hide and cry. Tired of the constant reminders I get.

So very tired.