being rinnah

It’s been the worst week of 2008 for me these past few days. Never have I been happier to see a weekend go by and welcome the end of a week / month. Why?

I met with people I never want to meet again in my entire life. People from the period of time that I classify as the worst in my life. Old emotional wounds were opened up again and right now they’re just bleeding and they won’t stop. All of a sudden I’m reduced to being helpless, defenceless and I hurt all over again. Oh God! The memories and rejections are as fresh in my mind as if it happened yesterday. Clearly, I haven’t been able to let go, to move on and let the past be the past. I thought I had, but I’d just buried them in some corner of my mind where it lay forgotten, untouched, until it was painfully raked into the open on Saturday.

If that were not enough, I saw your picture today. You. And her. Taken right around that time earlier this year. You both looked so happy I couldn’t help but smile. I read the poem you wrote for her. Master poet that you are. And I felt my heart constrict in my chest. A physical pain that mirrored the empty loss I feel inside. Somehow your written words affected me more than any picture could do. It’s not because of you nor is it because of her. It’s because I am alone that I feel sad.

And even though I hurt like crazy on the inside, I can’t let it go. I can’t find an outlet of release for all these emotions I have roiling inside of me and it’s suffocating. I can’t breathe freely because I’m not free. I want to cry and pour out my emotions but the tears must be held back. No one knows. No one must know. I want to scream but there’s no place to do so. What if someone hears? What if they don’t understand? I want to run far far away from my thoughts and my feelings but they hem me in. There’s no place to go to escape.

One of my colleagues commented on Tuesday that the loose spaghetti top I wore that day could pass off as pregnancy wear. I was quite tickled by this because I’d thought the exact same thing too when I looked into the mirror! Tsk. Raging hormones because of you-know-what-time-of-month. At any other time I’d have been offended. LOL. But yeah, it’s a tiny reminder that I won’t be getting any younger with each passing month. Bleh. I have relationships and babies on the brain. Not good!

That day was also Earth Awareness day and I was over at Menara Citibank for lunch. I think it’s so cool that Citibank encouraged their employees to wear green and bring their recyclable stuff to exchange for a small potted plant. How come my company didn’t take the initiative for such things? I like how Google designs such cool themes for every occasion - they’re never left out!

I *thought* I’d lost a wee bit of weight lately. Maybe all the extra-curricular activities are paying off! The scale kindly showed me a 2 pound loss and I managed to fit into a pair of khakis that I’d not worn in over 2 plus years today. Mentioned as much to my mom, who promptly replied, “Where got lose weight? Still fat what.”  (-_-)” Talk about demotivating! I protested and pointed to the facts that did not lie - e.g. the scale. So mom went and qualified her earlier statement with, “But then hor, if you’re not slim and slender like the actresses on tv then I feel you’re still fat lor.” *rinnah smacks her own forehead* Yes, and not forgetting the legion of aunties who perenially delight in torturing me by commenting each time we meet, “Ah girl ah, you put on weight! So got boyfriend or not? Faster go find one…” or snidely remarking to my mom that I’ve grown fat. Where got? *pout pout pout*

If you’re wondering what that means, don’t. They’re completely made up words. It actually reads as, “I’m a grumplephagus”. Does anyone remember the Snufflephagus from Sesame Street? Well, I’ve just twisted it, replacing the cuddly snuffle with a decidedly grouchy grump. Ergo, the Grumplephagus.

I’m feeling distinctly grumpy and all ruffled up like a cat whose fur is being stroked in the wrong direction. Actually I’ve felt like this for sometime now and things have just boiled over for me with the events that happened this weekend. I’ll be honest with myself, I’m not the most patient person in the world and this situation is testing me to my limits! I wish… that I had an on/off switch in my brain that could help me address issues like this. Flip the switch off and poof! watch the frustration disappear just like that! It’s either that or be able to switch off not caring, not minding, not feeling anything.

Actually, I wonder why do I get so upset over these issues when everyone else’s reaction is just to not bother. Even that makes me agitated. How can you not care that the world is going down the drain? Maybe I want to do good too much. And it irks when people chide me for trying to fix something that they don’t want fixed. Meddler. Troublemaker. Nosy parker. Ms. Know-It-All. She thinks she’s better than you so let’s bring her down a peg or two or twenty. Let’s keep the frogs in the bucket syndrome. All my life I’ve always felt like the ugly duckling swimming in the company of true ducks, quacking, looking down at the water rather than up in the sky.

Where’s my chocolate. I want my chocolate. Chocolate doesn’t snipe back, chocolate doesn’t ridicule you. Chocolate is my friend… yeah right. Who am I kidding. Bah humbug me. (But it would be nice if I could get a whole box of Hershey’s Cookies ‘n’ Creme kisses. Yum.) It’s either that or a carbonated drink. Why is it that when I’m upset I look for the worst possible stuff to stuff my face with?

A dumb blonde moment in the morning. Contact lenses are at once a blessing and a bane.   |   Traffic bad = late in to work + the boss has already arrived!   |   I lup my peeps who are always there for me. Happy last working day to her, I’m glad your new job will bring you nearer to me. We can go hang out in Pavilion after work, eh? *happies*   |   News flash of the day #1 : someone wants to resign. Not surprising, given the way things are going between her and her lady boss. But if she goes, I’ll miss her.   |   Blazingly hot sun. Burnt fish (ikan bakar), I likes. ^.^   |   News flash of the day #2 : someone else got transferred at short notice.   |   At random thought : is the work culture in Japanese companies inhuman?   |   Lazy days and rainy days always seem to go together. Procrastinate, procrastinate, procrastinate.   |   Don’t like people who take the slightest excuse to not do something or go somewhere. Same people say one thing now then turn around and retract it later.   |   I hate horrible KL traffic jams when it rains.   |   New petrol stations are the best! Nice and brightly lit with helpful attendants. Me likey veli muchiee!

I think I’m beginning to like the glass-less feature that wearing contacts offers me. The only drawback is that I sometimes unconsciously reach to push up non-existent glasses whenever my vision blurs over instead of blinking hard like I should and my fingers meet my eyes instead. Heh. So klutzy! Owh, and I have to spend like an extra ten minutes in the morning putting ‘em on plus some other stuff so that my panda eyes don’t scare nobody! Not to mention the additional fifteen minutes at night taking ‘em off, cleaning ‘em and ridding my face of the extra make-up gunk. Can’t imagine if I had to do a full face of make-up - think of all the time I could spend doing other things!

More more more. The social whirl is cranking up a notch this year. Do more, see more, be more. Sometimes I wonder if I’ll be the girl with the red shoes who danced and danced and danced and couldn’t stop. That’s a scary thought. *shiver* (Why did the Brothers Grimm write such dark fairytales? Is it because they were grim? Haha. Bad pun.) Activities are cold solace for a lonely soul. Even though technically, I shouldn’t feel this way. So what’s wrong with this picture? Nothing. Just that, you’re not here with me. That’s all.

Josh Groban and Mariah Carey in the office and at home. Jane Monheit in the car. Music creates an environment that I can lose myself in. Music… soothes the soul and mends the heart. Music is my life expressed.

I really should treat myself better. Ever get the feeling that somehow your best is not enough? I feel that way about me. Bleh.

I miss the perfect, carefree temporary moments at Lake Toba. I miss the serene feel I took away from the mountain lake. I miss not having to worry about anything other than what I was going to do next. I miss the lush scenery and cool air. I miss the other-worldly feeling. I miss… a lot.

I know I shouldn’t be so quick to judge. It’s one of my shortcomings that I acknowledge to be true and am working to try and improve.  :o(  But sometimes I wonder, am I seen as being judgemental (and therefore come off as being condemning) simply because I view things seriously?

Take this scenario for example. I am walking back to my table when I see a colleague from another department opening my department’s cupboards (where files and stationery are kept). He takes out some papers from the cupboard. I am not near enough to see what they are and he moves away to the printer nearby. He then begins to print some documents. Simple, right? No one else would have given it a second thought. But that’s not how I viewed it at first glance.

Firstly, what was he doing opening my department cupboards? Granted, they are not locked cupboards but it doesn’t mean that you can open them and look inside. (I may sound supercilious saying this but I don’t go around to other people’s departments opening their cupboards, no matter how friendly or close I am with them.) Furthermore, the cupboards are clearly marked as being cupboards belonging to my department and are used to store our files and stationeries. So what was he doing rooting around inside there?

Then again, it could have been that he needed some letterhead pages on which to print letters (that’s where I store the stationery and printed items anyway). If that were the case, he could have just asked for it from any one of my fellow departmental colleagues. In all fairness to him, I was away from my table and do not know if he did ask (I did not see him ask anyone as I was walking back) and I am not about to start asking around if he did ask anyone over a few pieces of paper. But the thing that bothered me in the back of my mind is, I don’t think anyone ever told him that the stationery is stored there (he knew exactly where to go and take it). How would he know that it is there in the first place? And why does his department not have their own stock of stationery located at their printer? By the way, he messed up the placement of the papers / envelopes and also ripped open the packaging of the letterhead and did not bother to put it back in its proper place.

The reason why I feel so bothered about this episode is because of the cupboard! To me it’s an unwritten rule (drummed into my head by my mother) that you do not touch someone else’s property. Had the items been placed in a communal area, in full view of everyone else, it would be no problem at all for me.

I had the sudden urge to lock all drawers and cupboards to prevent future incidents like this occuring. After all, who knows what else might go missing in an open concept office? Some of you might scoff and wonder why I am getting so worked up (to blog about it summore!) over a few pieces of paper. But, I can’t help it. That’s just me.

Another reason why I felt rather affected by this little happening is because I pondered over this issue for some time after just experiencing another incident last night. Heh. I got into a politely worded but nonetheless weighty clash of opinions with someone else and though neither party appeared to have ‘won’, it still left me with a bitter aftertaste in my mouth (figure of speech only). I was sorely tempted to email the two people I consider as knowing me best just to ask them their opinion of this quirk of my character. I am too much Lizzy Bennet for my own good.

Am I being overly judgemental and paranoid? *puzzled*

~  It wasn’t tiredness that drove me to seek the blessed comfort of sleep yesterday night. Rather, I wanted the unconscious feeling and the sweet escape from the many cares and worries crowding my mind. Let’s just say I have a lot of responsibilities to shoulder at this point in time.  :o(

~  It’s been two nights in a row that I’ve been wakened by the soothing sound of rain on the roof and window. I’d lie in bed for some time, listening to the rhythmic tap-tap-tap-tap sound that raindrops make on the windowpane and feel a wave of loneliness (or that feeling of being the only person in the world awake at that moment) wash over me before I drifted back to sleep.

~  Had another unguarded moment of vanity today. There’s nothing more fun (besides shopping, that is) than a makeover! I am such a girly-girl at heart. *giggle* Since I’d had advance notice of the makeover, I decided to forgo the glasses this morning for my rarely used contacts. Unfortunately, this also means that I’ll have to wear them daily for one month hence, since these are monthly disposables and I don’t want to waste my money. *sigh* The things I do for vanity’s sake. My sudden glass-less appearance of course attracted all manner of unwanted attention like, “Eh, you’re wearing contacts today ah? Why ah?” Add to that the shocker of going out bare-faced and coming back all dolled up! Hurhurhur. Yes, rinnah certainly looked different today! But I’m quite pleased with the end result - my eyes have never looked bigger (courtesy of lashings of mascara and eyeliner)! But seriously, I can’t imagine myself doing this on a daily basis… all that time would be better off spent sleeping in the mornings. Haha. One colleague commented, “Hey, the glass will break if you look in the mirror leh.” (As in the Chinese saying : Leng pau keng.) Ahahaha. *blush*

Yesterday was one of those rare occasions when I had nothing planned on a Saturday since some people had “flown aeroplane” on suggestions last week to try out a Jazz Funk dance class. Too bad, because I’d been really looking forward to it - it’s been ages since I had a proper dance class. Much too long, in fact. (The muscles may be atrophied due to non-usage. Hah.) And since I had no schedule that needed to be met to drive me onwards, I basically wasted close to half the daylight hours in my cosy bed.

Yesterday in all its randomness:

Staring at the ceiling. Half listening to the whirr of the fan blades. Watching the skies lighten behind drawn curtains. Snuggling beneath the covers. Lapsing in and out of semi-conscious sleep. Faint remembrances of dreams dreamt. Josh Groban’s clear and pure voice. Unordered thoughts of things past that were said and done. Eowyn and Aragorn. Aragorn and Arwen. Faramir and Eowyn. Wrong timing, wrong places, wrong persons. A reluctance to get up and face the world, to be caught up in the frenzy of activity that inevitably awaited. A tired soul in search of peace not found. Dancing attendance on other people’s schedules. Physical hunger is easily satisfied… emotional hunger is not. Moisturiser and concealer masks the external flaws but not the internal cracks. Driving long distances alone. Raindrops on the windshield. Teardrops from my eyes. Conversations with God. Mariah Carey’s famed whistle register. Rounding the block just one more time for a parking space. Paranoia strikes when strangers are around. Seeking escape in fantasy but finding none in Borders. Night driving alone is ten times lonelier than daytime. Dinner with the (almost!) godparents. A long day.

Returning to the place it all began, blogging in bed.