being rinnah

I’ve learned the hard way that in life, if you stand up for anything that you strongly believe in, you will get shot down by others. Especially if the thing you espouse is not that which is considered as the “norm” among others. Why is it so wrong to do something right? I cannot believe that it is wrong to want to be righteous. I cannot grin and say that it doesn’t matter, it’s just a joke, just laugh it off. It does matter. It’s not a joke to be laughed about. If these people would put themselves in the shoes of the other party, would they still be laughing? No, I believe that they would be insulted. They would be angry and offended. But because it didn’t happen to them, they laugh about it.

This disgusts me deeply. Both the person who committed the act and those who condone or permit it to happen.

Had I known earlier, I would have done all in my power to stop it. But I was told too late, and I couldn’t make matters right. It frustrates me, even to this day, more than one week later, that I was helpless to do anything to stop this cruel farce from happening. I am revolted that someone could actually purpose to make trouble during an occasion that was meant to be a happy one.

That’s just one thing he did. Then there are his greedy, grasping ways. As if the whole world owes him a favor. Gimme gimme gimme, take take take. Never has this person willingly and voluntarily given back to the society around him. He is like a leech, only looking to see how much he can suck dry from others. Or else, he is looking to gain and profit at others’ expense. Whatever it is that he does not like, he does not want, he tries to push off onto others. I am repelled by the ugliness of his nature.

Harsh words? I don’t think so. In my opinion, I am just painting an accurate picture of this person’s character (of which he has none) and nature as I see it. But strangely enough, no one else is willing to call a spade a spade and see this person for what he really is. They laugh it off, they try to make excuses on his behalf. They talk as if I am blowing things out of proportion and that I am too stringent, that my standards are too high. No! Where has common human decency and kindness gone in this world? Call me self-righteous, if you must. But I despise that person for what he did and everything about it. This was not the first time, it is the last time. I swear it.

I will no longer speak to this person.
He no longer exists as far as I know.
I will not stoop to bad-mouthing him.
I will not acknowledge him or anything he does.
I disassociate myself completely from him.

I wonder what you see when you look at me.

What do I look like?
Who am I to you?
What am I to you?

I just know that when you look at me, it seems as though you’re gazing within my very soul, seeing far beyond the surface that other people see. You can look at me and make me feel as though you know me, knew what I was going through. The wounded bird. You would be the only one thus far who has ever seen past the facade to the real me inside.

…

I wonder what goes through your mind when you talk, laugh with me.

Why do you say the things you say?
Why do you do the things you do?

I love the way we click so well together. The way we immediately get what the other is talking about, our inane and vague pop culture references. The coolest thing ever is that the conversation is so natural that seemingly, one could complete the sentence of the other. A verbal tag-team partnership that just flows uninhibited, mingled with talk and laughter, fellowship and fun. It’s so rare to actually find someone who knows what I’m even talking about that in a weirdly Jerry Maguire-sque way, you complete me.

…

I wonder if you miss me the way I miss you when you’re not around.

Do you think of me?
Do things around you remind you of me?
Do you look forward to the next time we meet?

It’s almost funny how much I think you could be a part of my life. Or wait a moment, you already are in my mind. In almost everything I do, I think of you, that you are here with me. Wouldn’t life be swell if you were here?

Probably it’s because I am lonely, that’s why I need you with me.

…

I wonder how is it you can so easily affect me.

Why do I smile to myself?
Why do I laugh more often?
Why am I happier when you’re around?

It could be infatuation as Christina Aguilera sang. Just a little crush, according to David Archuleta. Can you see the forest for the trees? Am I in love with you or am I in love with the feeling of being in love? This is a confusing thing for me. Wiser ones have said that you’ll know it when you find it. I’ve found and lost it several times and each time I begin anew, I still hope and wish that this time, it would be for real. But so far, no luck, it seems. Does one need luck in matters of the heart?

…

Some days you seem so real to me. Other days you are far away. Are you real or just a figment of my imagination?

So I went Christmas shopping yesterday. By myself.

The parentals were with friends, and I had no other “kakis” to hang out with, so I went shopping for Christmas pressies by myself. I should be used to it by now, I know. But it’s just not the same as shopping with someone you love!

Headed for my perennial favorite, 1 Utama, and managed to snag a parking space relatively quickly. Only 20 minutes of circling the parking lot. Heh. But my emotional troubles started the moment I stepped into the shopping mall.

All around me was a sea of humanity. Families with children, parents and grandparents. Couples with young children. Couples - newly married, dating. Friends all hanging out in a group be it large or small. It seemed as though everyone had someone and that I was the only one struggling alone in this wide, vast sea of humanity that surged and ebbed all around me. My breath grew shorter, my heart beat faster. A horrible sense of melancholy and detachment swept over me like ice and the loneliness welled up inside, so acute that I felt a pain in my chest. Unbidden tears sprang to my eyes and I just stood still for a brief moment before I forced myself to walk on - woodenly, with effort.

Still all around me the crowd milled, each with their own agenda, a goal. I walked aimlessly, round and round in circles, seeing without really seeing - moving without conscious thought of what I was doing. In the back of my mind, the insidious thought taunted, “If only… you were with him. How happy you’d be. Isn’t this supposed to be the season of joy, love and giving? But no, you’re all alone. Because no one wants you enough to be with you.”

Self truth or lie? I don’t know. I really can’t tell at this point of time.

All I know is that this holiday season is going to be as hard as last year’s, even if it is for different reasons.

The only small solace I could take from the shopping expedition was the joy of buying presents for loved ones. And the hardest task of all? Not being able to get anything for him. Because I don’t want to put my heart out there for another rejection. Because I’m afraid of letting myself hope any false hope. Because I didn’t want to torment myself further with things that can never be.

And I’m tired of telling myself that. Tired of having to constantly clamp down on the emotions and feelings that I cannot show. Tired of putting on a brave front to the world when all I want to do is run away, hide and cry. Tired of the constant reminders I get.

So very tired.